April Innovations: BMW Offers C.R.A.P, Ford to Assist Visually Challenged Drivers

April 1, 2008—Every April Fools Day pranksters from around the world (especially those in the British media it seems) choose to cut loose and give people a little something to laugh about.

And this year is no different.

While we have all been warned not to believe everything we read it never fails that some people are simply too gullible for their own good.

So consider yourself forewarned, the following stories that light-heartedly graced newspapers and Web pages this morning are for your reading enjoyment only. Please don’t bother calling your local auto dealership to request these innovative new design options for your next car.

Many British papers ran a spoof story this morning touting an announcement that automaker BMW is all set to offer a new Canine Repellant Alloy Protection (C.R.A.P) system designed to keep pesky dogs from fouling the shiny new rims on their cars.

Utilizing the ground-breaking Efficient Dynamics Brake Energy Regeneration system, energy that would normally have been lost during engine over-run and during braking is harnessed as Rim Impulse Power (R.I.P.) and stored for future use.

Now, when your neighbor’s annoying poodle attempts to relieve itself on the wheel of your suitably-equipped BMW, a small and relatively painless electric shock is immediately administered to the animal, thus deterring it from making the same mistake in the future.

According to Dr Hans Zoff, Head of Automotive Security for BMW: “Research shows that most BMW customers like to keep their cars clean and dog fouling is a constant irritant.

Remember, this amazing new product allegedly comes from the very same design lab that a few years back announced (on April 1, of course) that it was offering IDS (Insect Deflector Screen) technology that would utilize elastic solutions to bounce insects off the windshield as you drive. This little bit of technology could have spared the lives of millions of blood-sucking bugs each year!

While many people have always considered the introduction of the Edsel as the ultimate Ford joke, this morning’s headlines and Internet news outlets were touting a new design feature that clearly outshines the push-button transmission.

According to many UK papers this morning, Ford is all geared up to introduce the industry’s first “prescription windshield”- designed to suit the unique vision needs of the driver and negate the need for prescription glasses.

The ad invites Blue Oval fans to take their prescription glasses down to their local dealership so they can order their replacement windshields.

Not to be left out of all the fun, relative newcomer to the automotive market, Kia, if you believe what you read, is preparing to offer a new wireless technology that dispenses with the need for a steering wheel.

Instead, drivers will soon be able to steer their car with a wii-style controller (based on the popular video game system) that utilizes a revolutionary new Dynamic On-Road Kinetics (D.O.R.K) technology that is reportedly more powerful than two GameCubes duct-taped together.

The story goes on to point out that the system to be offered by the South Korean-based manufacturer will allow drivers to use their cars in any country since they can simply sit on the left or right front seat to drive.

According to the spoof, “visibility is a minor issue for those in the back seats, but we don’t think this will be a problem as a lot of people don’t really look where they are going when they drive – and we have built in a fail-safe security system called Independent Driver Input Operating Technique (I.D.I.O.T) that utilizes radar to avoid accidents.”

Steering Wheel free Kia

In the spoof, Kia announces its intention to lobby governments to allow children as young as eight to drive cars using the wireless technology.

Who knows what’s next on the automotive frontier as manufacturers race to gain market share...a car that offers overhead seating similar to a double-decker bus?